Things you never do around the Kirkland Brothers
by AliceStoneheart
Summary: Caution: No countries were harmed in the making of this fic.
1. Chapter 1

Things you never do around the Kirkland Brothers

Alice Stoneheart

1. Never ask England about the Doctor Who episode where a spaceship destroyed 'his' Big Ben. He will _not_ be happy.

2. When you see Scotland in his traditional dress, do not ask him why he is wearing a skirt, or he'll put you in one himself.

3. Under no circumstances must you mistake Wales for England. The results would be catastrophic and involve an angry dragon.

4. Do not make fun of England's eyebrows. If he doesn't turn you into a frog, France will force feed you raw beef to shut you up for hurting his beloved sourcils' feelings.

5. Under no circumstances are you to call Ireland a mad drunk to his face. He will smash his bottle of ale over your head.

6. Number 5 can also be applied to the words 'bipolar leprechaun', 'fairy boy', and many others.

7. Referring to the 'Little Entente' when questioning England about his relationship with France is _not_ a good idea. Unless, of course, you plan on shoving them both into a broom cupboard and locking them in for a few hours.

8. When referring to Scotland's national animal, never ask him why he doesn't ride his 'horny' friend to World Conferences.

9. Any mention of Aliança Luso-Britânica around the Kirkland brothers will result in a detailed and embarrassing account of England's first date and subsequent 'relations' with Portugal.

10. Number 9 can also be applied to the Auld Alliance and Scotland's relationship with France.

11. The correct way to get Scotland to turn you on does _not_ include using the line, "Beam me up, Scotty."

12. During his annual Harry Potter marathon, under no circumstances must you ever ask England to show you his 'wand'.

13. Number 12 can also be applied to his 'sonic screwdriver' during the Doctor Who marathon.

14. Reminding England that his human name comes from Arthur Pendragon is not a good idea. He's sick of Wales continuously lording over him because he is named after the King of Camelot.

15. The term, 'Bros before hoes' is never to be mentioned in the vicinity of the Kirkland brothers, specifically Arthur and Alistair. It might be taken literally, which would result in a really bad fistfight which would escalate to a 'more than unified' British Isles. England hates America's stupid taglines. Also, France doesn't like to be referred to as a hoe, no matter what the nature of his relationships with Scotland and England were or are respectively.

16. Mentioning Ireland's Split-Personality Disorder will result in a nasty altercation about compass directions over a pint of ale in the nearest pub.

17. Cracking Scotty jokes around Alistair will end with you sitting in the driver's seat too terrified to even scream the words, "I'm givin' her all she's got, Captain!" while being chased down by an angry unicorn. Scotland found the first one funny, but the 83rd ended up making him hate Star Trek.

18. The word 'magic' should never be used when England is drinking at the tavern known as The Rising Sun. Merlin's presence there will ensure that everyone in a five-mile radius will be turned into frogs, local vegetation, kittens or flying mint bunnies as a result of the impending warlock's duel.

19. The Loch Ness Monster is real. Even mentioning the possibility of Scotland's 'beloved Nessie' being a figment of his imagination will result in a one-way ticket to the bottom of the Loch Ness Lake.

20. It must be noted that any mention of the Twilight Saga in Scotland's vicinity will produce the same results as 19. Alistair came very close to killing a certain author for 'defiling the noble name of his fearsome beastie.'


	2. Chapter 2

Things you never do around the Kirkland Brothers Part 2

Alice Stoneheart

21. Do not try to nickname Wales' crappy laptop 'Sir Crash-a-lot.' He will set Kilgarrah on you. 'Sir Junk-in-a-box' is not an acceptable alternative.

22. Showing up at England's house on the Fourth of July singing the American National Anthem is a surefire way of getting yourself killed. Not by England, he's usually too drunk to notice, but Prussia and Scotland (their presence is justified as 'moral support,' even if said morals are very questionable) will make sure you die slowly and painfully.

23. The word 'Football' should never be mentioned in the presence of the Kirkland brothers, especially Scotland and Wales. The resulting argument will go on for days and involve more religious implications than athletic ones.

24. Never enlighten England about his unfulfilled paternal role in Canada's life. The ensuing custody battle between him and France will not be pretty.

25. 'Honhonhonhonhon' is not an acceptable way to laugh at England's jokes.

26. 'Honhonhonhonhon' is also not an acceptable way of fangirl giggling when Scotland is wearing a kilt. He will look around frantically for a mop of pale, blonde hair before running in the opposite direction, depriving you of the view.

27. A replication of Tony Stark's attempt at speaking Old English around Arthur will result in a three-hour long rant about how adding an 'eth' at the end of each word is _not_ Old English.

28. Singing 'Taffy was a Welshman' around Wales will get you killed slowly and painfully with a leg of beef by an enraged counrty.

29. Never let Scotland go anywhere near Russia and/or Mexico in a bar. Or under any circumstances, really. The ensuing drinkathon will result in extensive hangovers all around for at least two weeks.

30. If you value your cable subscription, do not tell England that Scotland's hair is better than his. He's always wanted to be ginger and is eternally jealous over the fact that Scotland is.

31. Asking England to unleash his 'wild side' will result in Arthur prowling about in full pirate garb and boasting about his many 'conquests' as Captain Kirkland, specifically over Conquistador Antonio Fernandez Carriedo (aka Spain).

32. Never ask Wales to sing. Period. That man may have the most gorgeous voice out of all the Kirklands, but he's used it to lure many an English sailor to his death, much to Arthur's chagrin.

33. Quoting any of Shakespeare's sonnets, poems or plays including the word 'rose' around England will probably have him screaming in horror and running away in terror. Don't get me wrong, he considers Shakespeare second only to god (hell, he was BFFs with the guy, not to mention his biggest fan! Why do you think Queen Elizabeth was his patron in the first place?), but an unfortunate incident involving an unclothed Frenchman, a bed, a dozen roses in strategic places and said Frenchman quoting the bard in a way that would make him turn in his grave kind of ruined it for poor Arthur.

34. Reminding Scotland of the time France captured him when he crash landed on the outskirts of Bordeaux during World War II (Germany had taken over France and dear Francis was not exactly 'himself') in front of any of the Kirklands is a very, very bad idea. Scotland's pride never healed from the brief time France was 'on top' of the Auld Alliance.

35. The stolen ashtrays of Buckingham Palace must never be mentioned during a conversation with England. He always knew Sherlock had taken one, but both he and the Queen had mutually agreed that the consulting detective should be allowed to keep it for providing such an entertaining show with his deductions (read: bed sheet).

36. Also, even though he was known for tolerating Jack Harkness on more than one occasion, Wales must never be complimented on 'the sexiness of his Welsh vowels' or asked to say the word 'Sir.'

37. Hogwarts is in Scotland, not England. If you value your life, don't start this particular argument with Arthur and Alistair.

38. Reminding Alistair that his beloved 'Glasgow curry' is a knock off of a traditional Indian curry is not the best way to make fun of his food. France tried that once and never tried it again, opting to go back to insulting England's scones.

39. On the subject of England's scones, under no circumstances must you praise or insult his cooking skills, or you will get one shoved down your throat either way.

40. Instigating an argument between the Kirkland brothers about who has the best ale will result in such a painful hangover the next morning, none of the four will make it to the next World Conference, even if it happens to be a week away. You can also be assured that the brother in question will hunt eventually hunt you down for starting said argument and this may or may not get dirty.


End file.
